Nightmares

So, I feel terrible that I haven't posted in the last two days but unfortunately BPD has been kicking my butt. I haven't really wanted to do anything. Just been really down. It all started with me having nightmares, which is quite normal, but they normally don't throw me into a depression of a sort.

My first nightmare started not long after my boyfriend and I started dating. You see he's been previously married and now divorced, but I keep having these reacurring dreams that his wife finds out that he's moved on and happy and tries to come in and ruin everything between us. Every night is a different scenerio on what she could do. I have talked to our roommate that knows him really well and one of his friends girlfriends about it and they both reassure me that it won't happen. I've just fallen hopelessly and helplessly in love with him and even though I've had several boyfriends and I've thought that the majority of them were the one, I have a different feeling when it comes to this guy. He's amazing and everyday he does something to show me he still cares... lol for instance, just now I got a text message from... out of no where he says "Today I caught myself smiling for no reason... then I realized I was thinking about you. :)" Isn't he just sweet?

Now, the second nightmare, this is a new one.

A little over a year ago someone that I've known my entire life and somewhat grew up with died in a car crash along with his 4 year old son. I hope that they both are resting in peace and know that they are greatly missed... but he was a little older than me but growing up I had that childhood crush on him. I remember on night my big sister let me drink for the first time, I was around 13... Young I know... but I got a little tipsy. My dad was out of town with his girlfriend at a Crawfish Festival. Anyway, my sister and my stepsister was left in charge of me and they were throwing a party. My friend that died was there and I saw him with another girl and it made me really upset. At the time I didn't realized the problem with him only being four years older than me. LOL I ran off into the field by our house (I was raised on 40 acres of cow pastures) and he came chasing after me. He gave me the hole talk about how I was to young for him and that when I became of age (18) then maybe we could be together. (Never happened BTW) But, I still refused to come inside. Then, he picked me up by the ankles and carried me inside upside down, me thrashing and punching his legs the whole way lol. Looking back on it all it's quite funny and a wonderful memory to have of him :) Anyway, he brought me inside and threw me on my bed and layed down with me until I passed out... I remember all this like it was yesterday... That night I got my first kiss EVER from him and it was AMAZING.

On to the nightmare, I dreamed that he hadn't died but that he was only in jail. For some reason the prison that he was at brought the inmates out in town to visit with their family. At the time in the dream I still thought he was dead but as I walked by I saw him with his family for visitation and I can't explain the feeling but just writing about it here I can feel it all over again. I devised a plan of breaking him out with his cousin and went through with it. The rest of the dream is us running and hiding from the cops but more in the sense of me finally getting my chance with him. Doesn't really sound like a nightmare right? Well then I woke up.... And realized he was gone and not in jail. :(

I know that both these nighmares shouldn't really be considered nightmares but my whole life I don't ever remember having dreams about monsters. They are all realistic. I get stuck in the nightmares and no matter how hard I try to wake up I usually can't without several failed attempts... I'll be in that half dream half wake state knowing I want to wake up but can't. It's terrible.

This is where you can help me... Do you know of anything that could help me sleep better at night and maybe not dream about stuff that I know won't or can't happen? If you do comment on this blog and help me out. :)