Nightmares

So, I feel terrible that I haven't posted in the last two days but unfortunately BPD has been kicking my butt. I haven't really wanted to do anything. Just been really down. It all started with me having nightmares, which is quite normal, but they normally don't throw me into a depression of a sort.

My first nightmare started not long after my boyfriend and I started dating. You see he's been previously married and now divorced, but I keep having these reacurring dreams that his wife finds out that he's moved on and happy and tries to come in and ruin everything between us. Every night is a different scenerio on what she could do. I have talked to our roommate that knows him really well and one of his friends girlfriends about it and they both reassure me that it won't happen. I've just fallen hopelessly and helplessly in love with him and even though I've had several boyfriends and I've thought that the majority of them were the one, I have a different feeling when it comes to this guy. He's amazing and everyday he does something to show me he still cares... lol for instance, just now I got a text message from... out of no where he says "Today I caught myself smiling for no reason... then I realized I was thinking about you. :)" Isn't he just sweet?

Now, the second nightmare, this is a new one.

A little over a year ago someone that I've known my entire life and somewhat grew up with died in a car crash along with his 4 year old son. I hope that they both are resting in peace and know that they are greatly missed... but he was a little older than me but growing up I had that childhood crush on him. I remember on night my big sister let me drink for the first time, I was around 13... Young I know... but I got a little tipsy. My dad was out of town with his girlfriend at a Crawfish Festival. Anyway, my sister and my stepsister was left in charge of me and they were throwing a party. My friend that died was there and I saw him with another girl and it made me really upset. At the time I didn't realized the problem with him only being four years older than me. LOL I ran off into the field by our house (I was raised on 40 acres of cow pastures) and he came chasing after me. He gave me the hole talk about how I was to young for him and that when I became of age (18) then maybe we could be together. (Never happened BTW) But, I still refused to come inside. Then, he picked me up by the ankles and carried me inside upside down, me thrashing and punching his legs the whole way lol. Looking back on it all it's quite funny and a wonderful memory to have of him :) Anyway, he brought me inside and threw me on my bed and layed down with me until I passed out... I remember all this like it was yesterday... That night I got my first kiss EVER from him and it was AMAZING.

On to the nightmare, I dreamed that he hadn't died but that he was only in jail. For some reason the prison that he was at brought the inmates out in town to visit with their family. At the time in the dream I still thought he was dead but as I walked by I saw him with his family for visitation and I can't explain the feeling but just writing about it here I can feel it all over again. I devised a plan of breaking him out with his cousin and went through with it. The rest of the dream is us running and hiding from the cops but more in the sense of me finally getting my chance with him. Doesn't really sound like a nightmare right? Well then I woke up.... And realized he was gone and not in jail. :(

I know that both these nighmares shouldn't really be considered nightmares but my whole life I don't ever remember having dreams about monsters. They are all realistic. I get stuck in the nightmares and no matter how hard I try to wake up I usually can't without several failed attempts... I'll be in that half dream half wake state knowing I want to wake up but can't. It's terrible.

This is where you can help me... Do you know of anything that could help me sleep better at night and maybe not dream about stuff that I know won't or can't happen? If you do comment on this blog and help me out. :)

Things to Do Besides Self-Harm

I, personally, have never tried self harm but I dare not say that it has never crossed my mind. I have found myself, several times, imagining different ways to harm myself. Thankfully, I was never brave enough to try it. Plus, I always surrounded myself with things that prevented it from happening. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the outdoors so I would go to some park and enjoy the wilderness or hiking in the mountains is always nice if you're near any. I also love to read so I would curl up with whatever good book I was currently reading. The biggest thing that helped me through my hard times is curling up in bed, cuddled to my stuffed penguin, and crying until I could cry no more. That was my #1. I took the liberty of looking up some other possible things you could do if you found yourself in a situation where you wanted to harm yourself....

• First off, if its serious enough you should call a self-help hotline or your therapist. You shouldn't take any risk because even if you don't find yourself all that important, someone else does! :)
• Excercise. I HATE running but I always find that after I go for a run that I feel happier and I'm in a better mood. So I hear, excercise releases endorphins in your brain that make you happier.
• Scribbling on sheets of paper. YEA, I do this a lot... I find myself doing it without even realizing it.
• Writing, whether it be poetry, stories, or in a journal. I had a journal that I called my "Crazy Journal" that I used specifically to write down how I was feeling to get it off my chest.
• Being with other people. Call up a friend invite them over or see if they want to go shopping, or to see a movie, even getting online in chatrooms and talking to people, posting on web boards, or answering others' posts. I have this blog where I plan to do research for you to help get you through this and I am also in a support group on Facebook full of people like me with Borderline Personality Disorder. If all else fails you should definitely just talk to someone that knows whats going on. Trust me it helps. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
• Take up a new hobby. My new hobby is blogging... :) You can Learn to play a musical instrument, learn to paint or draw, there's plenty of things to do just try and think of something you really enjoy.
• Find someone else you can help out. You can volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen, a nursing home, or even a humane society. There are volunteer organizations everywhere. I did a lot of work with Habitat for Humanity.
• You can also play with a pet or take your pet for a peaceful walk. You can go for a peaceful walk if you don't have a pet.
• Clean your house or take a hot shower, or relaxing bath. It would probably be smart to hide all the razors in the tub though. Play some peaceful music while you do so. Maybe throw in some bubbles :)
• Watch a favorite tv show.

These are all wonderful. Just remember that you are not alone in this fight and there are others out there that are going through it to. Please talk to someone because, like I said before, you are important to someone, even if you don't think you are.

You can get through this! I have faith in you. :)

What is BPD?

When I was initially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I had no clue what it was or why they diagnosed me with it. All I knew at the time was that my doctor gave me a piece of paper with a story on it and told me to highlight everything that I thought pertained to me and how I felt. The entire page was highlighted. After I got back home I got online and immediately started researching BPD. I found a book that helped me understand it better than any articles you'll find on the internet and I recommend it to you...

It was a great book...

So, What is BPD? Well, in my experience, it's a condition in which you experience long-term unstable emotions of extreme highs to extreme lows. It's like being on an emotional rollercoaster. I never see the medium of anything or anybody it's always black or white, good or bad. From what I have learned about BPD the causes are unknown but risk factors include:

• Abandonment in childhood or adolescence
• Disrupted family life
• Poor communication in the family
• Sexual Abuse

I was never sexually abused but I was very young when my parents divorced and that brought up my abandonment issues and the disrupted family life. I moved back and forth between my mom and my dad because I didn't know how to communicate with them. I believe that I have always had BPD even though I was not diagnosed with it until the age of 21.

Symptoms

As stated before people with BPD see everything as black OR white, good OR bad, with no medium. Their outlook on other people change quickly. They can idolize someone one day and then the next without any explanation not like them at all.
Other Symptoms of BPD include:

• Fear of being abandoned
• Feelings of emptiness and boredom
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
• Intolerance of being alone
• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

Complications

• Depression
• Drug Abuse
• Problems with work, family, and social relationships
• Suicide attempts and actual suicide

I didn't know what BPD was before I went to the doctor and I certainly didn't know that I had it. I knew there was something wrong with me but I just thought that maybe it was some kind of depression. It turned out that I had BPD and it's good that I went to the doctor when I did or I otherwise would have self-destructed. If you or someone you may know shows the signs and symptoms of BPD please see your doctor because its not something that you can handle on your own. I no longer see my doctor but that is for financial reasons but after all the seasons with her I know somewhat how to control it. My life is not easy and until recently has been quite chaotic. Now, I'm trying to get it under control and try and make necessary changes. It will not be easy for me but I'm trying to keep faith that I can push through. My friends and family know I have BPD and they want to try and help me. It is always GREAT to have a support system.

Now that I have told you about my life story and what BPD actually is. My plan now is to start posting different things about my life and more information about the disorder as I come across it. There is a lot of people, famous people, that you never would have guessed had it. Did you know that Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana both had BPD? It's funny because I have always idolized the both of them. I locked myself in my bedroom for a week and cried when Princess Diana died.

Do you like my postings? Are you interested in what I have to say? Your feedback is greatly appreciated. :)

XOXO,

Tiffany